It is time for another installment of Email Conversations

Often, my sisters will crack me up with their I.M.s or their emails or their text messages. Usually one-liners or bizarre stories about people or situations in their lives. We really utilize our platform with each other to be pretty raw and rude assuming that some grace is extended in all directions based on the fact that we're pretty decent people and aren't really monsters but just play monsters on TV--I mean on this blog.

So, here's a funny little thread of an email conversation that tickled me. It's between H.V. and me.

From Hashifa: hey I forgot to tell your butt that we are getting new furniture for Fred's room so WTF do you want us to do with your stuff

Jenny's reply: Hmmmm. Maybe I want the dresser back. And maybe you know someone who wants the crib?

Hashifa's reply: i dunno about the crib and actually i might need the dresser for a little bit more longer. we ordered the crib but are still looking for a dresser. them things are spensive!

Jenny's reply: Oh ya, use it. You said "furniture" so I thought you needed to ditch both. Do Matt & Melissa need a crib? Or are you getting another one because that one needs to go to crib heaven? Is it shit now after 4 kids? Just tell me, I don't have any emotional attachment to it and it's not coming back here.

Hashifa's reply: ya...i was gonna say I would be willing to give it away anonymously but I don't know about someone I see regularly. It's not all shit but it is definitely on the fast track to shit. Jonah has yanked on the front gate pretty hard to where the screw has pulled the hole wonky and we can't tighten it down. BUT we have been happy to have it and I actually like the looks of it which is saying a lot for a crib. Baby things are so ugly, it is hard to find non-ugly things. Here is what we finally decided on. Funnily enough, the price was about 70 bucks less when we bought it so that is an added bone-ass. There is furniture that goes with it so we will either save our dollars and get that or just find something else we like acuz it won't need to match the crib forever. Anywho, I'm pretty jazzed about it and it should get here tomorrow. Now I just have to fix Mom's shoddy bumper pad construction. Seriously, not her best work. I finished my [read: "Jenny's wierd phone job"] paperwork today so I might give it a shot. I can always quit, right? Quitting is always an option and that is what I luv about life. Amen.

Jenny's reply: Please leave the crib at the curb. Please don't quit life.
Yours,
jenny

Hashifa's reply: The leaving on the curb trick is a cultural agreement unique to the midwest. In Michigan it means, "take it, it's free!." Here it means, "Call the HOA on me for leaving shit in my yard." I think we'll take it to the Salvation Army. James said some Mexicans will want it. I really hope Jonah doesn't inherit the Mexican subordination syndrome. It's so embarrassing. Hey, here is a line from an email I received from a therapist explaining why she canceled an appointment:

· 1/2/09: I cancelled due to a gastrointestinal viral infection that rendered me incapable of venturing far from the restroom.

Professional? Yes. Made me spit out my coffee? You betcha.
My Best,
Hashifa

Jenny's reply: That’s beautiful. She was really fearful of sharting during an appointment, and who can blame her?

Good info on the Michigan cultural phenomena. I’m not sure I was aware that that was unique and we might be in some minor trouble. Is it significant that we have gleaned a fire pit, a 6 drawer Craftsman tool chest and a sun lounger from the curbside? Should we be looking over our shoulders? Did we commit a misdemeanor or possible felony? Oopsies.

Also, good news on your [read: "Jenny's weird phone job"]paperwork. I hope one day you too can be led by this man, Pete. I continue to be amazed at the degree of jackass-edness of my “team lead.” This is how he chose to use parts of the English language in a review of a recent call (please don’t overlook all the fake verbs and nouns and poor sentence structure and the consistent fact that he ALWAYS uses the caps lock even on the chat line): YOU NEED TO ASK OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS IN THESE CALLS SO YOU CAN FIND THE HOT BUTTON.THIS WAY IF THE CALLER REFUSES TO ORDER, YOU WILL HAVE THE RIGHT INFORMATION YOU NEED TO MAKE THE ATTEMPTS AND REBUTTAL WITH THAT CALLER SO YOU CAN MAKE THE SALE.FOR THE MOST PART THIS CALL NEW THE PRICE AND DIDNT NEED ALL THE WORK DONE, BUT IF YOU CAN DO THIS WITH ALL YOUR CALLS YOU WILL MAKE LOTS OF CONVERSIONS.

By the way, this is what he writes on my reviews every week. There’s always the mention of open-ended questions and hotbuttons as well as the new verb: to rebuttal. It’s very helpful and very constructive. He’s really leading me to a better place. Where there are lots of conversions. If he only new.

Lovingly,
Jenny