My Job Does Not Define Me

Please, God, let not my current employment define me. May my legacy be that I loved my children and sacrificed my own desires for their best interests. Let it be said that I was a good woman from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and that my brain was in good working order and that I brought a smile to the face of those who surrounded me.

In the meantime, let's laugh at what I do to make a little money. I have had some cracker-jack calls lately and I couldn't be more entertained and I thought some of you in the audience might find them amusing as well. (I'm pretending I'm Lawerence Welk and I'm hosting my own show right now--get it?)

This was a call in response to an infomercial for B@reEssenti@ls Make Up:
Jenny: Thank you for calling about this special offer from B.E. Make Up. To get started, may I have your zip code please?
Caller: IS THIS GLUTEN FREE?!?
Jenny: Ummmm...Ma'am, this is make-up, you don't ingest it.
Caller: IS IT GLUTEN FREE?!? I WANNA KNOW!
Jenny: Let me check. Let me read to you the ingredients list. [reads list] So, no ma'am, no gluten.
Caller: BUT DOES IT SAY "GLUTEN FREE?" IT'S VERY IMPORTANT! IT'S USED AS A PRESERVATIVE IN EVERYTHING! IF IT DOESN'T SAY IT IT COULD BE VERY DANGEROUS FOR ME!
Jenny: Well, all I can say is that gluten is not listed as an ingredient.
Caller: CAN YOU ASK THE CHEMIST? IS HE THERE?
Jenny: Ya, no, he's on break. [me having fun now. WHAKO!]
Caller: WELL! I NEED TO KNOW AND YOU SAY HE'S ON BREAK! *click*

You would think with this crazy job that I would get a lot of sickos, but I really don't. This is about as close as it gets and while it creeps me out, it's more funny than creepy.
Male Caller: You sound sebenteen!
Jenny: Great, can I get your zip code?
Caller: You got the voice of a MOVIE STAR!
Jenny: Okay, an your zip code, please?
Caller: I'm SIXTY SEBEN, but I feel twenty! You sound 17! Where are you?
Jenny: Alaska.

I'd really had it with the southern accent idiots by this time (not that I'm prejudice against ALL southern accents, it's just that there are a lot of idiots out there and then when you add the hick-factor, it's just too much to take.)
Jenny: I'm so glad you called today to learn a new language with R.S. To get started, may I have your name please?
Caller: Kim.
Jenny: Thank you, Kim. And your last name?
Caller: Whar are you located?
Jenny: Arizona.
Caller: Okay. I just didn't want to talk to anyone in the Philippines or Sand Land.
Jenny: Oh, really? Why is that? [hick alert! this is gonna be golden!]
Caller: Are you an American citizen?
Jenny: Yes! Yes, I am!
Caller: And you don't have a problem with them people flyin' into buildings? Nevermind. *click*

I also love it when people ask for the language Mexican. When I ask if they're interested in Latin American Spanish or Spanish spoken in Spain, they clearly re-state their original request: Mexican.

One more product I have to mention because it was so awesome and now it's gone. I had to spend an hour on a webinar being trained for Everly Portr@its. Google it, it's awesome. For attending the webinar I "won" a FREE portrait! I was allowed to send in any picture or pictures and studio artists would recreate a beautiful oil painting. I was jumping up and down with excitement because I knew right away that I would send a picture of Emily. And a picture of Michael Hill, our old family reTARD. And a picture of Gertie, our old family dog. And these magical studio artists would create a 11 x 17 masterpiece for me to hang over the mantle. Bliss and then devastation. They folded. DAMNIT! Why, God, WHY!?!?

I also love our Wednesday conference call team meetings where my "coach" yells at us like Mike Foley the motivational speaker and yells, "PEOPLE! You have to read the script! It's your job! Read the script, ask the probing questions to find the hot button, and then rebuttal with the hot buttons! IT'S YOUR JOB!"

So, for now, when the phone rings during a shift, I hope for a sale or an entertaining call. And when it doesn't ring during my shift, I blog or facebook. I can complain a little because it's a dumb job, but I can't quit because it's just so easy to take their money whilst I sit in pajamas or empty the dishwasher. So, for 5-15 hours a week, it's my job, people.