the other night i decided to watch a home movie of myself from when i was 21 years old. i didn't think it would be, but it was torture. i owe a sincere apology to you sisters, and to anyone who knew, spoke or even so much as looked at me when i was 21.
i'd like to think that 21 year old emily is the "old emily". that like a butterfly emerges from a cocoon, i have been re-born breaking free from a fibery mass with a bottle of mood stabilizers in one hand, and in the other, an appointment slip for my weekly visit to the psychologist.
occasionally "old emily" does resurface with bad ideas (drinking from bottles of liquor found on the ground, touching strange underpants and worst of all exercising sensitivity only for herself, stray dogs and the occasional elderly asian man). the following is an attempt to atone for the past.
DEAR EMILY AT AGE 21,
YOUR SKIRT IS TOO SHORT AND YOUR SHIRT IS TOO SMALL. AND WOULD IT KILL YOU TO RUN A COMB THROUGH YOUR HAIR? WHY DO YOU INSIST ON RUNNING EVERYWHERE? YOU LOOK LIKE A CRAZY PERSON. MAYBE IT WOULD BE A GOOOD IDEA IF YOU STOPPED TALKING ALL TOGETHER. NOTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH (A MOUTH COVERED IN PINK FROSTY LIP GLOSS) IS EDIFYING, FUNNY, AND MOST OF IT INCLUDES THE WORD "SHIT". YOU SHOULD STUDY MORE. IF YOU DON'T, IN 7 YEARS YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF WORKING AT AN ABONDONED PRISON WRITING LETTERS TO YOURSELF ON SCRAP PAPER.
SORRY FOR BEING SUCH A DOWNER, BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE TO CALM DOWN AND FOCUS. YOU NEED TO STOP CUTTING YOUR OWN HAIR, DECORATING WITH ANIMAL PRINTS AND MEMORIZING PASSAGES FROM CAMUS. REALLY, IT'S EMBARASSING.
THINKING TWICE ISN'T ENOUGH AS YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT TAKING YOUR MEDICINE. MAYBE YOU SHOULD MULL THINGS OVER FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS. WHEN YOU ARE IN THE LADIES ROOM ON THE MCNALLY CAMPUS HOLDING A RED CAN OF SPRAY PAINT, REMEMBER THAT DEFACING PROPERTY THAT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU (EVEN IF IT'S AN INSPIRING "WWJD?") WILL ONLY LEAD TO BIG TROUBLE. THE SAME GOES FOR POSING AS OTHER PEOPLE IN SCHOOL SANCTIONED INTERNET CHAT ROOMS AND TYPING THINGS WHICH ARE OBSCENE. THESE AND OTHER THINGS MAY SEEM FUNNY AND IMPORTANT BUT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.
I SUPPOSE YOU DO DO SOME WORTHWHILE AND/OR KIND THINGS-BUT I CAN'T RECALL THEM RIGHT NOW. NO EMILY, RIGHT NOW THAT VIDEO OF YOU IS HAUNTING ME. THE CRAZED LOOK IN YOUR EYES, THE BAD JOKES AND YOUR CONSTANT MOTION HAS BURNED A HOLE IN MY SOUL. YOU'VE KIND OF RUINED MY WEEK.
BOTTOM LINE: SHAPE UP NOW OR YOU WILL BE SCRAMBLING LATER.
TRUST ME, I'M DOING YOU A BIG FAVOR.
GOOD LUCK, YOU'LL NEED IT,
FUTURE EMILY
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Something nice was written here, but then Sister #1 tried to walk away from the blog and Sister #2 raped the blog and stripped of any dignity. Sister #2 and #3 taunted #1 with rude and obnoxious postings until Sister #1 couldn't stand it anymore and reclaimed her place among the sisters. Sisters--we're stuck with each other.
2 comments:
Actually, you are PRESENT Emily talking to OLD or more correctly, PAST Emily. It would be interesting to hear from a FUTURE Emily and to get her point of view.
This is a very interesting concept and I am going to ponder it as it pertains to my own self while I drift off into my sleep journey tonight.
i like all emilys, past, present, and future.
which reminds me of the big G-O-D. for He is past, present, and future.
which reminds me: when i was 21, i was drunk most of the time. at least you remember being 21.
here's to 30!
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