When things go horribly, horribly wrong

Let me just give a shout out to Emily and say welcome back to the internets.

WARNING: The following is of a topic that some might deem inappropriate (Emily) and others find hilarious (HV and Jenny).

Now, I post: So, I went to Meijer the other evening for a little me-time--pathetic, yet satisfying. I wanted to at some make-up products that had been highlighted in my Shape magazine and then maybe get some coffee and sit in the cafe area and read my book.

There I am in the Rimmel section at the end of the aisle where it Ts into feminine products. At first I'm engrossed in my study of pressed powders, foundations and other sundries but then my ear tunes into the voices of men discussing details in the feminine section. I see two men with their backs to me and confirm that they are, indeed, discussing which yeast infection treatment to purchase. I inadvertently produce a little "yikes" face. As I turn my eyes back toward the safety of blush I barely catch sight of a third man in their party through the make-up shelving and he laughs out loud at my "yikes" face! This all happened in a tiny second and so I pretended not to see him and started steadily finding more of an interest in face soap at the opposite end of the aisle. They're all laughing and making comments like, "Well, maybe she knows! Ask her!" I'm panic stricken at the thought because, a) I'm embarrassed that my "yikes" was not a secret, b) although I consider myself an extrovert, I felt that to help them was awkward and to explain why I can't help them because I'd never had one was more awkward and bordered on inappropriate! In that instant, I could not overcome the dilemma of how to offer mature help and advice to these men who are obviously trying to pool their collective lack of knowledge of feminine personal problems in order to help some woman who has sent them on a mission that really, no man without Dr. in front of their name should be asked to do! I mean, Scott as bought the occasional box of tampons for me and maybe picked up my birth control from the pharmacy--and now that I think about he did research and purchase my electric double breast pump--but, we must draw a line somewhere! And so, no longer needing artificial blush, I walked quickly into shampoo and conditioner.

Well, something must have triggered in my gut, too, because (HV, hold on to your hats and glasses here) it became necessary to explore the public facilities in a serious way. Mind you, I was not expecting this opportunity because I had already been blessed earlier in the day and felt as though that would carry me through to tomorrow, but at some point I felt as though it was pointless to argue the point and decided that public or not, I needed to tcb. So I did. It was substantial.

With that taken care of I felt free to stay longer at the store and moved over into the very amply supplied scrap booking section. I don't scrapbook, but I can get caught up in all of the little accessories and gadgets they have and they were 20% off, so I dabbled. But then, oh my, that same urgency came over me and it was undeniable. By now I was closer to the facility in the back of the store and made my way in that direction.

Of what happened in there, I will never out-loud speak. I will say that I did not have the flu and it was not something I had eaten, but it was so volumness and unspeakable that afterward I had to utilize the drawstring on my pants to keep them on and I'm not sure if I saw stars because of the incident or because I ran for my life out of there so quickly. Something broke free, and I'll never be the same.

Today, I'm thankful for public facilities--Because they saved my home and my family from a fate worse than death. They served a purpose that no residential equipment should or could be expected to handle. So, arm yourselves with the Charmin purse packets of toilet seat covers and embrace the public restrooms with the freedom and service they are intended for.

And eat your yogurt with six active, live cultures on a daily basis and don’t take antibiotics unless absolutely necessary.