andrew lamirand

dear andrew,

i am waiting to hear whether or not i got the segway tour guide job. i had a second interview last week. it went quite well, but you never know.

you had earlier expressed that if i do not get this job, i am out of the family. (this prospect is both sad and exciting for me.) i propose that if i do not in fact get the job, you take my place. in this event, there are some things you should know:

1. mom likes to get all up in your business. there are ways you can stop this on a case by case basis. the most effective is to swear. you can either use a word at random, yelling any ("fuck" works best)at the point you become most frustrated. you could also swear in a cute way that would be fun to tell your sisters about ("you won't be happy until you crawl up my ass and camp out"). she'll probably hang up the phone with either method.

2. dad likes to call you on his way to work. he mostly likes to talk to you about how much he hates liberals and wonders what went wrong with you. he'll say, "what went wrong with you?". just laugh and egg him on by saying that communism looks like a good idea on paper. you can also talk to dad about his deepest, darkest secret: he listens and loves npr. he has a mild crush on terry gross. he thinks you haven't told anyone his secret. you totally have.

3. you call jenny a lot. you don't have a job and she like diversion. she is coming to visit soon. make her drink beer and eat tofu hoagies. don't be afraid of driving her crazy. she thinks there is a bright side and silver lining to everything. this bullshit is both confusing and a saving grace.

4. hashifa is difficult to get a hold of. she has a "real job" where people like depend on her and shit. you don't call her hashifa, you call her "spawny". she responds best to anecdotes about poop and pee. if having a secret conversation in public, you and spawny employ the secret language "english vachaloo". the orgins of this language require a lengthy explanation that i leave to her to explain. she'll teach you.

5. family gatherings are among your biggest challenges. double up on your meds. don't worry, you are not expected to help in the kitchen. you have and alwys be the "imcompetant one", the "fuck up" of the family. this both insults you and makes you grateful for the extra time to sit on the giant leather sectional and watch cable. you are expected to entertain. make crude jokes, run around in circles and teach your nieces and nephews rude phrases to repeat once at the dinner table.

so, good luck, you will need it. being me is not easy but it serves a vital purpose.

best regards,
emily