Here's what I found written out on a piece of paper while I was rearranging Natalie's clothes drawers:
Reasons Why I Hate Jenny
1) She's always telling me stuff but then she does them.
2) She's just a plain brat.
3) She tries to help you but you don't want help.
4) You try to tell her something but then she comes up with this lame comeback
5) She's such a tattle tale. She tells my dad.
6) She thinks she knows what I feel like as a 10 year old but she actually had a fun mom, so...
7) Every time I try to have fun with her she always finds out some way to wreck it.
8) She thinks I'm her pet and she gets to do whatever she wants to do with me and one way or the other she'll get it.
9) She makes you do homework after school that's not necessary.
10) When I ask her a question she always finds out one way to avoid answering it.
11) She always on family fun ruins it with either "replacing" it with a book, saying in her mind it's too fun and stuff like that.
12) She's such a drama queen.
Note: Don't ever try to sass her
Now. Let me start out by saying I tried to be all butt-hurt about this and tell myself that she's a stinker and that those are all exaggerations and not really true. But what bothered me more, was that I know I would have claimed most of those things on her list as MY list for MY mom and that made me even more sad; I'm not like my mom! But, then, as I re-read the list, I had to admit that if each one wasn't directly true, it was indirectly true and based in truth and the sadness didn't lie in that she wrote it, but in that it was truth and her reality and probably a lot of people's reality with me.
So, after I performed what my friend Kelly coined a "self-ectomy," I decided to be thankful to discover such a brutal list now and talked to Natalie and told her that I was sorry that I do that stuff and that I wanted to do better. She was sweet and embarrassed and told me she doesn't really think that stuff all the time. She said I'm a good mommy. When I asked her if I could keep the list to remind me to keep trying, she said she didn't want me to keep it, but that she would give it to me after she changed one thing. I thought it might be #13 about how I'd been punk'd and she didn't mean any of it. But...she modified the title of the list: Things Jenny Could Improve On. Noted.
So I guess I'm charged with quite a project of self-improvement. I write it here for public accountability so that in our family therapy sessions in the next 8-10 years I have no excuses or "lame comebacks" about how I didn't know that that was how she perceived me.
I really need a do over.
8 comments:
whew. hoooooleeeee shit. I just took an ativan FOR you.
OK well first of all, I think its a good sign that you are annoying your daughter. You're clearly doing your job. I know that is NO consolation.
look at the picture you posted. She clearly doesn't think you're the worst most embarrassing retardo mom ever. She loves you and probably thinks you're pretty cool or she'd be standing way father away from you.
She is totally normal for her age.
BUT extremely...what is the word? mature? yeah that'll cover it.
the fact that she changed the title of the note totally made me SOB.
Ok so here's my blow by blow on it:
1) not sure what that means LOL
2) whatEVA!
3) that's your job. if you never offered to help her that would surely be on the list too!
4) diffusing with humor? hmmm I can't relate to that. snort.
5) deep down she thinks its good that you and your husband talk about things. Ok no she doesn't. But it makes her feel secure, she just doesn't know that because she's clearly never lived in an environment that made her feel insecure. This is like when they protest when mom and dad kiss.
6) I had to laugh at that one. I think you've got to be one of the more fun moms I know.
7) need details but...whatEVA! You're a mom. she has friends to explore boundaries with. Its a mom's job to create the boundaries.
8) your pet.LOL see...you SHOULD get a dog. well, frankly, maybe you need to explain to her that pets don't do a DAMN thing you want them to. Ask Aunt Kelly cuz she has lots of pets and they're pains in the ass. But I think the concept she is wrestling with is respect. you do what mom says. sorry. God said to do it, get over it. LOL
9)OMG, you make her do homework? I think she really could have had a pretty solid 5 item list but just felt pressure from David Letterman to make it 10 so she had to make crap up. And she's clearly an overachiever like her mother cuz she did TWELVE. or maybe she's a non conformist. whatever.
10) this may be valid. diffusing with humor again? again, have no idea what that is like.
11) ? surely she can think of parents who do more awful things than suggest a book over family fun something er other. do you know how many families have NO such thing as family fun?
12) whatEVA!!
I love the note. I am so in trouble right now because *I* am sassing you.
bottom line is that no matter what I say you will take away from it what you do. She has an awesome fun mom and she's not going to figure that out for several more years probably. Of course we all have room to improve. The fact that you guys talked about the note says SO much about your REAL relationship.
I thank you for sharing that. it was gut wrenching for me to read it and its not even MY pre-teen!
HUGS.
thanks.
oh and as if I needed a PS...I used to write HORRID things about my mom. yukky hateful things. I also wrote suicidal poetry. My mom and I have a really good relationship. Its not without its flaws and challenges but hello...?
keeping yourself open to her is the trick.
and this is the very reason I had panic attacks when I was pregnant with Amanda and we found out it was a girl. LOL *sigh*
Oh, gosh Jen. If this were me as the mom and my cat wrote this and I found it in his litter box I would:
1)Give him a spank for referring to me by my first name.
2)Laugh hysterically that he thought I had a "fun mom".
3)Continue to laugh hysterically until I fell asleep.
hey there long, lost friend... did you even know that i read this blog??? and can i just tell you it's snowing right now?!?!? enough already! anyhow... the reason for the comment... do you know how many times a week i hear stuff like that?? i teach 5th graders and this is a daily thing. but let me tell you in all my years experience with pre-teens, the ones who say stuff like this are the most well-rounded, stable, loved kids on the planet. the kids with the major problems don't make comments like this because they feel as if they are constantly searching for love and acceptance from their parents. so bottom line, keep up the good parenting!!! :o)
Bridget in frozen Idaho
BRIDGET? BRIDGET SMITH? One of my favorite friends from Blue Birds who moved to Idaho in a dump truck?
You LURKER! You better email me or facebook me! I miss you! What's new?! What's old?! I'll take it all, please!
Thanks for the comment, it means a lot. Say hi to your Mom!!
Love,
Jenny
I remember Bridget!
see I told you you were doing a great job, Jen!
Hey Jenny. I bet this was a hard list to find. I see bits and pieces of this same list in the eyes of my kids, especially Haley these days and my heart just sinks. For all my trying, I do have a tendency to be just like my mom. I only hope both Haley and Natalie find a good friend like you were to me to walk through the valley of the shadow of a mom trying to do her best but falling short some of the time. Love you Diana!!
Agh! Dagger to the heart! I'm quickly approaching the moment where I find the note "Reasons Aimee is the worst mom ever". I've already find scraps of info in Cassidy's room dissing on me. I am consoled in knowing that one day when dealing with their own little ones, they will be completely enlightened and realize how amazingly wonderful we were as moms! Until then, I often boost my self esteem by having a little conversation that sounds like this: Cassidy, I need you to tell me "Mom, you're so smart! And you have amazing style" (while ignoring my old navy t-shirt and jeans); Kellan, your line reads like this: "mom, you are so beautiful! Are you still 25?" and Canon, you will play the part of the grateful, obedient son and will say (with feeling): "mom, you are the best mom in the whole world!" My friend gives her kids a quarter per compliment when she's feeling really low! :-) Hang in there, girl. One day you will be fully appreciated!
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