Summer in Center City

We've entered the last weeks of summer in Philadelphia. It's time to cram in all the outdoor fun you can before it's starts to get cold and you wish you had never left L.A. It's been a mild summer, with recent temps in the low 80s, so what do you say to some beers on the porch, a long walk around the neighborhood, or why don't we grab some gelato downtown?

Speaking of downtown (Center City) Philadelphia, there is something you should be aware of before you head out there for an evening stroll in Rittenhouse. Center City is full of crazy people. Some of the crazy people are harmless. They hang out on corners, quietly asking for change. If you walk by and don't give them change, they don't yell, "bitch!" or "fuck you!". Then there are the crazy people who, when you don't give them change yell, "bitch" or "fuck you". My favorite crazy people are like the man I saw outside the building where I work. In full voice he shouted, "I break wind in public and I'm proud of it! (makes farting noise with mouth)See? I don't care." That's the spirit! You are definitely crazy, going with whatever comes to mind, and making people, people like me, smile. Unfortunately, these crazy pepole are in the minority.

By now, you may be thinking, "Gee, you're awfully insensitive. These people are sick and living in a country that has forgotten them." While this is true, listen to what my past two days have been like in or on my way downtown, and then maybe you will join me.

Tuesday: I was on the trolley, on my daily commute to work. A typical morning ride. Oficey looking people going to their officey jobs, moms wrangling kids and strollers, and me, minding my own business. 37th street, a man talking to himself, hops on. He sits directly behind me. He's quiet for a moment, then tries to start a convo with the man with a suitcase seated across from him. "You got a bomb in that thing?" the crazy man asks. The man with the suitcase turns out to be very friendly and indulges the crazy man. "Oh, ha, ha, no, just some clothes for a trip". Then the crazy man goes into a narrative about how he "left his bomb at home" and how he's "not planning on blowing up anything today". The lady sitting next to me starts laughing really loud. I sat staring straight ahead, wishing everyone would just ignore this moron. The crazy man is quiet again for a moment, then says, "I just love girls with short hair and glasses." I knew he was talking about me, but was careful not to move a muscle and remain staring dead ahead. "I guess she doesn't like boys". No one laughs and things feel tense. "Maybe she doesn't like boys with clefts in their chins." And so on, and so forth until we finally reached my stop.

Wednesday: It was lunchtime and Tabitha and I decided that it was such a nice day that we ought to eat lunch in the park. We find an empty bench and sit down. I remember making a stupid joke about how it was "hump day", and got a much deserved eye roll from Tabitha. Then, out of no where, a crazy man with sores all over his mouth is hunched over us. I said, "Hey,hey, what are you doing?". He started moving my purse over so he could sit down in the tiny space beside me. "No,no,no no! What are you doing?" I said. He was in our faces, staring. I was getting scared. Tabitha started grabbing her things and I did the same. "Fuck you!" he yelled after us. We headed back to the office, talking about how everytime we eat in the park something weird happens. The last time we were there some dude peed right behind us while we were eating. We were almost back to the office when I spotted a guy walking, about to run into me. I stepped out of his way, he looked at me, then took a giant step to where I had moved to try and avoid collision. "Excuse me", I said. He touched my arm and said "No, excuse me." Then...HE GRABBED MY BOOB. "You just fucking groped me!", I shouted. It all happened so fast, and I was so stunned that I didn't know what to do. The guy was gone and I was totally freaked out.

So, if you are planning on enjoying the remaining weeks of summer taking in the sights of Downtown Philly, do what I plan on doing from now and be extra careful not to look anyone in the eye. Remember, crazy comes in all shapes, sizes and races. Sometimes crazy is just minding his/her own business, just trying to make a few bucks, and sometimes crazy wants to grab your boob. You never know. Bring along your taser, you never know when you'll need it. And don't forget to try an egg and cheese sandwich from one of the street vendors. They're delicious with ketchup.