What a Day

First things first: my job is still sucking. I only had one appointment and it was at 8 am. This kid I saw this morning spit all over me as he attempted to blow bubbles. Gross. At this point we were going to be all done and as I sang the clean - up song, he threw a massive tantrum. I sat there staring at him and massaging the ever growing zit on my chin wondering what the day would be like. Because I am gross and can't resist scabs and the like, I sat in my car and picked at my zit until I had gone too far, oops. As a side note, for those of you who are not aware of my scab obsession, here's a window into my childhood: I used to pick scabs and save them in a photo album that my mom decorated wtih Cabbage Patch Kid fabric. So I made a pitstop at Target and bought the most expensive acne treatment I could find to fix my mutilated face trying really hard to only reveal my "good side" to the check out lady. Things started to pick up once I came home. Frances had managed to mainatin bladder and bowel control while I was gone and Regis and Kelly was just beginning. I called sister Jenny to shoot the poop with her and this is when things took a turn for the worse. A scorpion, a real one, on my wall..inside. Not good.
There was not a husband nor a father within 20 miles and I was alone in my panic. You have to kill these things or else they dissapear and you'll never no what corner it is lurking in. OK, gotta go Jenny. Mom called, she's here to pick me up for lunch. So I mustered up some adrenaline, positioned a chair, retrieved the tongs, and pinched the little bastard up. I ran outside and threw it in the bushes and jumped in mom's car. Funnily enough, she never asked me why I had tongs with me...The rest of the day was this: a three hour lunch with mom. WHAT? I know. She sucked me in to her dimension of the universe that is just one giant distraction. She goes from whim to whim, never sticking to the objective and never getting anything done!! And then you ask yourself the question, why does she freaking need to do this in the first place? I eventually snapped back to reality and started to feel very nervous that time had not, in fact, stood still and I had pretty much had accomplished nothing for the day! But trying to get away from, or get off the phone with Mom is like trying to burp, fart, and sneeze at the same time: no amount of will will make this happen. I finally just walked away and said see ya. This time coming home was not so pleasant. Frances had, indeed, pooped and peed on the floor. Oh, and he also ate my cookie that was on the counter. So now I pretty much feel like I'm covered in spit, puss, scorpions, and pee. In addition, I am literally covered in throw up. Just as was publishing this, Frances jumped in my lap and puked on me. Also, here's a tip: don't clean the lint trap out when your hands are wet.